Merc Rule 6: Merconomics: Cost Effective means never ordering anything weaker than whiskey.
Cheapskate Calhoun is the self-proclaimed master of Merconomics. And who’s to argue with that chintzy bastard? Any fella trying to squeeze a nickel out a penny is a hero to mercs everywhere. Me and Spivey hire him to do our taxes every year and always end up with more scratch than we started.
So when you put a merc like Calhoun in the same room with Boozer Hayes… you wind up with a scenario where the goal is getting drunk as a skunk without burning a hole in your pocket. Usually, an impossible feat when a fish like Boozer is involved. Seeing as it damn near takes intravenous hooch distribution to get the job done. So unless you’re chummed up with the bartender—more on that later—you’ve got your work cut out for you.
Now, you might be wondering, why not just go with moonshine? A fair question. That stuff will strip the paint off a battleship and get you drunker than a rat in barrel. But seeing as the goal ain’t to get Boozer to drink himself blind… whiskey is a better option. That’s a lesson for the young mercs out there with a taste for the ol’ white lightning. If you like being able to see better out your eyes than you can your elbow, you might lay off the clear stuff.
Anyhow, Cheapskate Calhoun did the math, crunched the numbers. Not all whiskey is created equal. If you’re really looking for the most bang for your buck, it’s hard to go wrong with one of Granny Lemieux’s world famous Napalm Shooters. Oh, it’ll burn on the way down, I guarantee you. But it’ll get the job done for half the cost of everything short of clear swish.
But that’s only the first phase of the plan.
Cheapskate, like all mercs, is a bit of a con man. That’s why the second phase is buying the barkeep a whiskey or six. While it might seem counterproductive to throw coin at a fella that ain’t part of the crew, a friendly bartender is less likely to keep count. And a drunk one won’t be able to. Both of which make the tab a whole lot more reasonable.
—Coyote Joe, Memoirs of a Merc
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